Integrated Dynamics is the talent of its people. What makes Strategic Integrations special? The people. Sound familiar?

“The people” refers to the collective labor identity a company promotes to distract its employees from the simple fact that any profit maximizing business seeks to hire the least “people” necessary at the lowest possible cost. However, most managers with a functional sense of self-preservation realize that highlighting this information would be disastrous for motivation, and even worse, might affect turnover rates. Hence “the people” were born.

From an internal marketing perspective, creating “the people” allows a company to advertise some of the personality traits it wants to encourage. Most companies accomplish this through posters and brochures touting the company’s “people” as hard workers, team players, or detail oriented. The underlying assumption is that your instinctual desire to “fit in” will spur you to hard work, thus negating the need for more legitimate incentives like a decent salary, stock options, challenging projects, bonuses, or overtime. However, the unintended consequence of fabricating a culture of false motivation was the creation of an environment that rewards it. Therefore, you can use this to your advantage by having loud, public conversations detailing your lack of free time.

From the perspective of morale, a fictionalized “people” helps prompt delusions that your company’s unwieldy corporate bureaucracy provides an intangible benefit that other companies can’t. Accordingly, you’ll discover that “your people” are creative, independent, and above all, smiling or laughing. After all, would you want to leave an ethical environment that thrives on creativity, independence, and smiling/sense of humor? If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, you’re right. In the outside world, this is termed propaganda.

(CAUTION: It is worth noting that these personality traits—creativity, independence, etc.—typically reflect the exact opposites of those expediting corporate advancement. As such, it is recommended that despite the photos of creative people adorning your office, you shun these virtues in favor of obedience. Be careful not to be too overt in your rejection; most of your coworkers have worked hard deluding themselves and will find your attitude disturbing even if they “can’t put a finger on why”. Doing so will result in fewer invitations to happy hours and less opportunity to hold loud, public conversations detailing your lack of free time.)

However, the silver lining in these effronteries to your intelligence is that their very existence proves your company values employee retention so long as it is less expensive than costs associated with turnover. It follows then that until robots render you obsolete (or conversely, ape labor becomes viable), you’re pretty safe as long as you keep producing average work and don’t rock the boat.

Drafting is the process through which you create the first iteration of a deliverable. Typically, these projects entail stringing together key messages that emerged from a brainstorm or writing reports that use other reports as templates. (The existence of a “first report” is often cited as evidence in favor of Intelligent Design).

Because corporate advancement is directly proportional to corporate indoctrination, most managers have lost the ability to fill a blank page with words other than “dynamic”, “integrated”, and “strategic”. Therefore, you should not be surprised when you are asked to draft a seemingly important document: there is no logical basis for interpreting your manager’s request as confidence in your ability. Indeed, a good manager has absolutely no intention of using the product of your efforts—such a brazen tactic would undermine their own value.

Rather, your manager will modify your work to better reflect their own stylistic tendencies, more closely resemble previously established platitudes, and pass the effort as their own. This process continues vertically until every contributor’s efforts are duly recognized. The resulting document is so thoroughly devoid of falsifiable insight that it is now deemed “client ready”. Voila!

It is not recommended to approach drafting with even a modicum of seriousness. Your contribution will ultimately be rendered pointless, and you’ll feel like you just witnessed the neighbor’s overgrown slobber-machine sexually assault your dog while your friends rolled in hysterics. Instead, try to parody the document you are asked to write. This way, your reliance on conventional wisdom will please your supervisor, and your subversive tactics ensures your integrity remains intact.

Minor edits are a daily fact of life for the fledging professional. Whether you have drafted a three sentence blurb to be sent to the client, a research brief, or even meeting minutes, minor edits are as unavoidable as discussing the weather in the elevator. Like many of the tasks you will be assigned as an entry level employee, minor edits are your superior’s equivalent method of justifying their use of the bathroom and first aid supplies. It is also a systematic technique of cultivating your dependence on managerial approval while slowly pillow-smothering your self-respect.

These so-called minor edits come in one of three basic forms: needless changes in punctuation and word choice, benign changes in sentence construction, or both. All types serve primarily to bolster your manager’s sense of self-importance. As a side note, you might recognize this practice from your college days when it was referred to as plagiarism.

In most cases of minor editing, your superior will judge their sense of self-importance more vital than preserving the integrity of your thought. In this event, minor edits may be undertaken in the name of concision. Unlike most minor edits which have no net impact whatsoever, these edits usually reduce your writing to a level commensurate with the abilities of a second-grader. Incidentally, this is also the perceived intelligence level of most clients, especially if their personal accomplishments exceed your manager’s.

Since minor edits are mostly informal, they usually take place over email and are highlighted in a different color of text. At first, this might seem like a well-intentioned effort to help improve your writing ability. This is hopelessly naïve. In reality, highlighting text to ensure color uniformity forces you to claim an inferior product as your own creation, an indignity not to be overlooked (see: ownership). 

Ownership typically describes the responsibility of completing the least important, but most time consuming portion of a task or project. More generally, it is an insidious management tactic preying on your increasingly muted hope of maintaining self-respect.

For example, you might hear, “I’d really like you to own writing up meeting minutes and emailing them to the team,” or “activity reports are an important part of showing our value to the client. I’m hoping you can really own this.” Tacit in these statements is the inevitable approval or minor edit process, which robs any sense of accomplishment your work may have provided and leaves you more demeaned than when you began. This cycle continues until your aspiration at self-worth is judged low enough to warrant a promotion or mounting your photo on the wall.

Management will likely introduce this strategy when you no longer exuberantly approach tasks whose sole purpose is justifying your use of the bathroom and first aid supplies. Depending on a worker’s delusional optimism, this could take between 2 to 6 weeks.

It is important to note the use of this term outside the office will likely confuse people. It is not common to hear about “Jessica owning genital herpes” or “little Timmy really owning his bed-wetting.”

Middle management generally describes the class of employees who do not possess the competence or acumen to ascend to upper management. In rarer instances, it is the brief stopping point of a real go-getter or the interminable hell assigned to those few competent employees who foolishly cling to their dignity. In the case of the former, beware. No more dangerous employee exists. In the case of the latter, feel free to exploit this manager’s uncharacteristic compassion to extend deadlines, send emails without thoroughly proof reading, and casually inquire about their personal life. In all cases, it is no coincidence this term is a mere typo away from “meddle management”.

To best understand the plight of the middle manager, think of occupying “the friend zone” of a gorgeous, but equally vacuous female (upper management). The middle manager has earned considerable trust, but either because of an unfortunate appearance (incompetent and over promoted) or because they have absolutely no charm (cling to their dignity), the chance of “hitting it” (joining the ranks of upper management) poses a monumental challenge unless our “friend-zoned” middle manager is just really funny (a real go-getter). Further, the “friend-zoned” middle manager must deal with upper management’s emotional bullshit (the work upper management finds below them, which not coincidentally amounts to the only legitimate services a company provides). Accordingly, the middle manager has little opportunity to interact with their underlings in any meaningful capacity and their supervisory role is thus reduced to frantic and inauspiciously timed emails, minor edits, and ensuring a spreadsheet’s proper formatting.

Because most middle managers are deeply entrenched in “the friend zone”, hitching your fate to their’s is not advisable. It is documented fact that close relationships with middle managers most frequently manifest themselves in time consuming administrative projects beginning just before you had hoped to leave for the day. Instead, focus your efforts on upper management (see future entry: mentor).